


A Catalog of Non-Definitive Acts

by jabedalien



Category: Community (TV)
Genre: Eating Disorders, F/M, Implied/Referenced Suicide, Not really romantic, it also doesnt make sense
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-08
Updated: 2020-10-08
Packaged: 2021-03-07 16:14:31
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 960
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26900464
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/jabedalien/pseuds/jabedalien
Summary: Jeff came across someone who looked into his eyes and immediately knew all the things that Jeff didn’t want him to know.
Relationships: Britta Perry/Jeff Winger, mentioned
Comments: 14
Kudos: 35





	A Catalog of Non-Definitive Acts

**Author's Note:**

  * For [sleepy_santiago](https://archiveofourown.org/users/sleepy_santiago/gifts).



> this was written in like two hours so idk what it is. shoutout to the server, dedicated to Grace. that little devil emoji really motivated me to write this.

When Jeff Winger was disbarred, he spent three days in his condo, arguing both sides in one last case, the one where he decided whether or not to kill himself.

He appealed the case for just long enough to start at Greendale, and it was thrown out entirely when he met Abed. Jeff was happy that he hadn’t done it, and that wasn’t just something he said to make himself feel better.

Jeff surely would have killed himself sometime during the first semester if he never met Abed. But they had met, out on the quad during the first week of classes. Jeff came across someone who looked into his eyes and immediately knew all the things that Jeff didn’t want him to know.

Abed knew that Jeff liked guys sometimes. Abed knew that Jeff could count on one hand all the days he’s eaten three square meals since he was in middle school. Abed knew Jeff spent more nights staring at the ceiling than sleeping. When Abed pulled back Jeff’s shirtsleeves in the empty study room, he knew where to look for the scars.

Though Jeff was the one who created the study group to get with Britta, Abed always had an interest in her as well. They talked about her when they got drunk together. Jeff told Abed she was the most beautiful woman he’s ever seen, and Abed agreed.

Jeff slept with her during paintball. Abed slept with her the night of their Spanish final. They both made out with her in the back of Jeff’s car on Troy’s birthday. Jeff could tell she liked Abed more. That never surprised him. He liked Abed more than he liked himself.

…

Jeff had never told anyone else that he saw more of the television screen than either of his parents growing up. Saying it to Abed felt like voicing a shameful secret. But of course Abed’s childhood was the same way, and Abed didn’t see any shame in it. Didn’t see any shame in the way those things had made him who he was now. Didn’t see any shame in liking the nerdy things he liked. Didn’t see any shame in how his brain worked differently than everyone else’s. To Abed, the world just made more sense when you found a script that went with it. The more time they spent together, the more Jeff agreed.

In the end, Abed just seemed to be content with who he was. Jeff didn’t know how he did it, had spent his whole life thinking shame was the only emotion he actually knew how to feel. He’d started to think he didn’t even have his own personality, that he was just layers of self-hatred on top of each other with an empty void in the middle.

He still felt shame around Abed, especially in the moments when he fell apart more than usual. But Abed never judged him for those. Not even when he was drunk and sitting on the floor of his shower, humiliated by how pathetic he looks right now, how _ugly_. The way Abed still knows where to look for scars. His hand washing Jeff’s hair for him. But he puts Jeff to bed and is gone by morning, no judgement at all.

Jeff starts eating buttered noodles, despite decades of counting carbs, because Abed decided they were safe, and Jeff thinks that maybe they can be safe for him too. It’s still a little shameful, because he’s a grown man who eats like an 8 year old at a fancy Italian restaurant. But after lunch one day, Troy catches him in the hallway outside the cafeteria, and says that he’s proud of him. There are tears in his eyes when buries his face in Jeff’s shoulder. Jeff returns the hug so awkwardly that he feels like Abed.

…

“You’re in a bad mood today. Where’s my nice Jeff?” Britta asked him, running her thumb over the back of his hand.

They were laying together on the couch in the study room, on a day where he felt a lot more shame than usual. Abed was out sick, and Jeff wished he was there.

“Not sure.” Jeff answered.

He didn’t want to say anything else. Whatever he said would upset her, and nothing made the self-hatred rise in his throat like the watery look in her eyes when Jeff hurt her feelings.

If Abed was here, he would tell her she looked like Elizabeth Shue. He’d tell her how kind she was, how her moral compass was much truer than Abed’s or Jeff’s, maybe apologize for the fact that he couldn’t always look her in the eye.

“I’m sorry.” Jeff finally said.

“It’s alright.” Britta said back. “I know things are hard for you sometimes.”

Jeff doesn’t ask her if she tells Abed the same thing.

…

“Hey Jeffrey?” Shirley asked. “Why aren’t you sitting in your seat?”

She motioned to the empty chair across from her, and he starts to laugh.

“Because that’s _Abed’s_ seat.” He told her.

The group exchanged glances.

“Who’s Abed?” Troy finally says.

“Uh, your best friend?” Jeff shoots back.

“Jeff…” Troy hesitates. “I don’t know anyone named Abed. _You’re_ my best friend. Is this a movie reference we’re not getting?”

“Looks like he’s lost his mind again. This is just like Christmas.” Pierce quips. Shirley and Annie both turn to shush him.

Suddenly the script all makes sense. Jeff peeled the layers of shame off and was shocked to find someone in the middle. He gave that person a face and a name, and they became someone he didn’t hate for existing.

Abed appears in the chair, waves to Jeff, then fades away. Jeff stands up, grabs his bookbag, and sits down in his seat.

**Author's Note:**

> the logic... nonexistent. thanks for ur time


End file.
